The Best Of team gorges on slices and finds you the only pizza delivery worth its cheese.
Few traditions in North America are as hallowed as pizza delivery. Rarely is a house or apartment out of range from an intrepid deliveryman, trying valiantly to get your circular dinner to your table before the cheese cools and the dough grows soggy. And having delivered pizzas in our youth for years, we know you need only two things to be decent at the job: steady hands so as not to drop the box, and a pocketful of small bills for those numerous customers who never seem to have anything less than a hundred on hand. With the dizzying range of options in the capital, the Best Of team first asked around, trying to get a democratic sampling of the most popular pizza places willing to bring the pies right to your door. What followed was a scientific study of the candidates, where we factored in price, speed of delivery and, of course, quality. Got a hankering for pizza but don’t want to leave your house? The Best Of team tells you who to call.
Oooooo … no
Uno can boast proudly that its pie (Hr 62) was the only one to arrive definitively hot. In fact, even though it took an hour, there was still steam coming off the cheese when we opened the box. That was when our enthusiasm faded, however. Even though it was at least twice as heavy than all but one of the rest of our test subjects, the weight was mostly due to a typically over-doughy crust. And, while it was covered in a more generous spread of mozzarella than the others, the gooey cheese had little flavor. Quality, we thought, not quantity.
Traffic problem
We then tried to get a pie from Trattoria, but the guy called us and said he couldn’t park for some reason (no one else had any problems). Demanding that we go down the five flights of stairs to retrieve the pie ourselves, we gently (and lazily) explained to him that for us to comply would be a clear breech of scientific principles. Delivery means delivery. The man drove away.
A cultural difference
Pan Pizza was certainly the best deal of the bunch – the pie is as heavy as forklift and costs only Hr 47. The restaurant itself has several branches in the capital and is a case study in the distinction between American and Ukrainian palates. While we found the pie to be nearly inedible – the dough was a thick tasteless slab of stale bread, the cheese nondescript (not even a close cousin to mozzarella) and the toppings ranging from the incongruous (spiced mussels) to the downright bizarre (canned tuna and kernels of corn) – the Ukrainian contingent of the Best Of team had no problem with the pie. We understand that cultural difference is something to be celebrated – we just don’t feel obligated to eat that difference if we don’t feel like it. So if you’re ordering for a large Ukrainian audience, Pan Pizza might certainly do the trick. If you’re hosting mostly ex-pats, we recommend another place.
The middle path
Vesuvio has no real strengths or weaknesses, making it a perfect candidate for middle management. The crust is neither compelling or offensive, the toppings neither bland nor rewarding, and, for Hr 47, the price is neither compellingly cheap nor extravagantly high. If you’re someone with no strong opinions yourself, then this might be the pie for you.
Hype hurts
Lola had gotten a lot of good press from our friends and, for Hr 46, we got a small pie delivered by an amiable driver who had exact change and apologized for being late (his car broke down. That’s the excuse we used to use, too, back in the day. Either that or “traffic”). The pie wasn’t cold, but it’s wasn’t what you’d call hot either. The pork on top was the closest we’ve seen to pepperoni, and the dough was thin enough to have a bit of firmness, but it lacked the crisp edge we often look for. Overall, a solid runner-up, if a bit disappointing after the hype.
Compromise yourself for successOkay, we admit it: we stopped following our own scientific parameters. La Bella is the winner even though it’s far more expensive than most of the others (Hr 67, but that’s because delivery costs Hr 25. If you’re ordering a bunch of pies at once, it’s actually not that bad of a deal). And, in its defense, the pie took less than 40 minutes (a record when compared to the rest), the crust was the closest to the thin crispy perfection we remember from back home, the cheese actually tasted like cheese, and the toppings were fresh enough that we could overlook the fact that the pie was the smallest, delivered at a rather tepid temperature and the driver had no change. The bottom line: quality will always win out over the cool head of averages. If you’ve got a few extra hrynias and want a decent pie, La Bella should be your call.
