Seeing how many people out there are not happy for no reason, I’ve
decided to write about it. You see, I’ve been quite unhappy sometimes as well,
but now, after analyzing the reasons of my unhappiness, I tend to think that it
was not the situation I was in, but more the attitude I had towards it.
Did you ever think about things that make you happy? Did you ever think that
if you would magically wish for three things in your life, which will make you fulfilled
and help you to enjoy life to the fullest?
Or are you the person, who always finds a reason to feel dissatisfied
and unhappy?
Do accomplishments of other people make you feel bad about your own
career?
Does the beauty of actresses make you feel less wanted?
Do you need 1 million euros in cash to make all your problems go away?
Or do you feel like you are surrounded by people who aren’t making you
happy?
Or maybe if only you had a better partner in life, all your troubles
would magically go away?
Do you ever feel satisfied with what you get from life? Or do you complain
to yourself and others, because you feel your present condition is not good
enough?
Every time I go back to Ukraine, I notice how many grumpy, unfriendly
and unhappy faces are on the streets.
According to the Satisfaction With Life Index, which was created by
Adrian G. White, an analytic social psychologist at the University of Leicester,
back in 2006 Ukraine was 174th place out of 178 in happiness, just
after Sudan. I guess not much changed now in 2013.
You can blame it on a general economic or political situation, bad
weather or lack of love or money. But let’s face it – our people just love to
be unhappy and complain all the time. I know. I am one of them.
My very good friend Abigail from the United States told me how, after
coming from sunny and happy California, she felt like people in Germany never
smile and never look satisfied: “You haven’t been to Ukraine or Russia,” was my
answer.
I am not talking about people who face serious troubles and challenges
in their lives at the moment – the death of relatives and friends, inability to
feed children, broken hearts – these are all reasons to feel bad for a
while.
Nevertheless, many people enjoy the feeling of dissatisfaction and
unhappiness throughout lives.
Their apartment is not big enough, their car is not fancy, their
beautiful wives’ breasts could have been bigger, their salaries could have more
zeroes in it and, oh my God, a holiday in Turkey is so cliché, if only they
could go to Maldives.
I think most people realize that the reasons of them being unhappy are
not external, but it is within. From their childhood, they are used to blame
others for their misfortunes, thus forgetting that no one else will ever make
them happy except for themselves.
I thought of some things which helped me to look optimistic into the
future, even in bad situations.
Never compare your
beginning with someone’s middle
Many people I know, including myself made this mistake. The right answer
would be not to compare your little start-up to the Google or an internship as
a graphic designer to being creative director of Leo-Burnett. It’s better to spend
the time learning new things, improving your skills and setting goals for the
next five years. If you see someone’s success, don’t ask yourself: “Why am I
not there?” but rather “What do I need to do to be there?”
Try to value small
things in life
If you only think you can be happy flying in a private jet over the
Atlantic Ocean to a personal tropical island, then you will never get there.
Look at the sunset on your grandma’s village, laughing kids on a playground,
value those couple of beers you had with your student friends in the backyard
of your university. Take a small walk in the city center, smell the fresh air
on Kyiv Sea, have a late-night talk with an old friend – all these things can
make your heart beat faster much more than sex with a supermodel and a private
yacht. Those two can be quite exciting too, but if you don’t have those, it
doesn’t mean your life is worthless. One can never be satisfied until he truly
values things he or she already has.
Think big
When making too much drama about something, think big. Is this
problem really life-changing to you? Will it matter in 10 years? Will it even
matter in one month?
Most of people tend to laugh about their childhood troubles. Unless you have terminal cancer or war just
broke out in your neighborhood, think twice before jumping out of the window
with no goodbye note.
Value your true
friends
This might be quite a silly recommendation, but a lot of people forget
how important social connections are until something bad happens and they look
for help. Friends are those people, who will help you get back on track,
when something really serious happens.
Never try to make
everyone love you
Another illusion I faced as a kid. Being a single child in my
family, I made quite a huge deal out of some people not liking me. And with my
character, trust me, lots of people didn’t like me. I cried and I yelled and I
prayed to be the most popular girl, until I realized that I shouldn’t care
about opinions of people whom I don’t really care about. The only opinions I
should care about are the people whom I love and who love me. The rest can get lost=)
If you want to achieve
something – do something
My dad and his brother both started university in the ‘70s. Coming
from small provincial town of Kryvyy Rig, they both got into prestigious Moscow
University. Many people suggested, they had connections and money for bribes. It didn’t occur to them that my dad
was waking up at six every morning before school to study extra physics and
math for two years before school graduation, so did his brother with history in
order to get into the law faculty. It is always easier to enjoy your
misery in the company of similar to you, complaining about social injustice. Many people who complained to me
that they couldn’t achieve something have never even tried. Just because they
are sure that they will fail. The
same story is with sports. A lot of overweight people do not even start
exercising, but yet they bother to complain about how hard their lives are on
the Internet forums and TV shows.
If it is not working, try
harder
Some people don’t give enough effort in order to get what they want. The
answer can be that they either don’t want it enough or that are lazy. Giving up
too early is a huge mistake in the pursuit of your life goals and happiness.
If it is still not
working out, analyze the situation and be honest with yourself
A lot of people I know back in Ukraine started their careers at quite an
early age. They studied something they didn’t really like, but for one reason
or another it seemed like an option to them or their parents. When I
started university, the most popular faculties were law and economics. Many
teenagers believed that getting a diploma in these disciplines will magically
open doors to wealth, success and thus happiness. Nevertheless, many of those people were too
young to actually decide what they really want and care about, so eventually
they would try quite hard but get no result and no satisfaction out of their work.
It is never late to
learn new things
This one derives from the previous statement. There are people, who
think it is too late to begin studying or start a new career at the age of 30,
35 or 40. My mom’s friend studied environmental science, worked as an
accountant and finally made the right choice and became a landscape designer at
the age of 45. She feels happy now, because she is finally doing what she
really likes and what she was destined to do, but was too afraid to pursue.
Look on the brighter side
There is always a positive side to everything. Try to find one
even in the most difficult situation. Recent snow storm blocked your car and
you cannot drive to Bukovel to ski? Maybe it is time to try out skiing down the Andriivski Uzviz instead!
Don’t keep grudges
If someone hurt you in one or another way, he or she is not a person you
would want to care about anyway. They are not worth your sleepless
nights and sedatives prescriptions. Nor they are worth your grey hair. Hating
someone else would not fill your life with joy. It will just make you a
miserable negative person. And no, you wont look as cool as Uma Thurman in Kill
Bill.
If something doesn’t
work out for you, don’t see it as a failure, but rather enjoy the experience
you had and learn the lesson for the future
Many people, whose names we know and respect now, started with making
mistakes and bad choices. Being stressed and sad is okay for a short time, but
in a longer run it is not worth it.
Challenge yourself
constantly
When my grandpa was little, they didn’t have enough food in his family,
so he told himself that his goal in life is to “eat enough bread.” I’m
not judging my grandpa, he lived quite a full life, but when now, at the age of
85, he proudly notes, that he fulfilled his life’s challenge (and I guess he
did it already at 28), I only smile. You can never reach a horizon. Moreover,
challenging yourself helps you to avoid routine, which eventually become a
reason for mid-life crisis and depression.
Don’t procrastinate
(too much)
Dreaming is good. Working on reaching your dream is better. Even
if you procrastinate a bit, try to do it with some use. Sometimes the best
ideas happen, when you do side projects instead of your main job. Nevertheless, checking out Facebook
or looking at videos on YouTube doesn’t qualify as side projects. Just saying.
Be grateful for what
you’ve got, not unhappy about what you don’t have
A friend of mine offered me to write a list of things I am grateful for
every morning. In this way, she said, you will start your day
positively, seeing actually, that there are many things in life, which are
worth being happy about.
Don’t try to see a negative
pattern in your past
We often tend to see patterns in our past failed relationships, job
efforts or personal connections. Just because it didn’t work out with two guys
out of three billion, doesn’t make you “non-marriage material.” The same goes to
being fired from your first job at Starbucks. Unless of course you exes
or your boss told you that you were selfish and lazy and bitchy and not
responsible and came late to work all the time and cheated on your partners
constantly. Then there is time to change something about your attitude.
Don’t be jealous of
others wealth and accomplishments
This is quite a stereotype of a Ukrainian
mentality. Some people can only be happy when they see others being in a worse
situation than them. I mentioned some old Ukrainian anecdote about a
Ukrainian and a gold fish. When
the fish told him that with each his wish, his neighbor will get twice as much,
the guy wished to lose his eye. Maybe it is our mentality, but it has to
change. Instead of
concentrating on others, better do something for yourself. Sometimes it can be
really hard. Germans even have a saying “Leben is keinPonyhof” (Life is not a
pony yard). Remember, that happiness is not something eternal. Being sad
sometimes is completely okay. Without being blue sometimes, it would be hard to
appreciate the opposite feeling. Being unhappy without a reason is not healthy
though. Life is full of positive surprises, so don’t miss on those.
Alina Rudya is a former Kyiv Post staff writer and photographer who now
lives in Berlin. She is also the author of People of Ukraine: Part 1 – Men and People of Ukraine: Part 2 – Women
