The “Switch On Ukraine” program is fine on the surface. But let’s face it, Euro 2012 will be a giant headache for the locals. The four cities in Ukraine hosting the various football matches can only expect a nightmare with the added traffic, noise, obnoxious football visitors getting drunk and picking fights and otherwise being regular hooligans. If we don’t have the privacy of our balconies to escape the football madness during the summer of 2012, then what DO we have?
Ukrainian women’s movement Femen activists shout as they hold placards that read: "A balcony is private property" and "Here is a rebellious balcony" on Feb 1. (Yaroslav Debelyi)
At the request of my wife, I smoke my cigars hanging out our balcony window so as not to smell up the flat. Know that at my age, my male physique is certainly not as picturesque as that of the Femen demonstrators who recently showed us their ire over this idiotic scheme. All women so endowed should be REQUIRED to hang out the balconies during Euro 2012 – it would be a sure reason for our foreign visitors to return at a later date to explore the beauty that IS Ukrainian women. This may be the enduring thing to insure repeat tourism – it won’t be the glitzy football stadiums or militia being polite and forgoing their usual bribes while the games are on. But in my sad case – regardless of my saggy skin, I’m planning on going topless while I smoke my twice-weekly cigars just to defy the bureaucratic boobs at City Hall. I really hope everyone will plan on going topless – male and female, no matter what they are doing on their balconies– maybe even bottomless for good measure.
You see, I don’t like being dictated to by jar-head bureaucrats over what we know is a common sense issue. If they had just not said anything…We will be nice little, mannerly local hosts, helping the masses of visitors if they are lost on the street maybe even directing them for a good pint and football talk at O’Brien’s. But I will not hide my kid’s sleds, nor the boxes of winter clothes, nor give up my cigar perch on the 4th floor of my well appointed Khrushchevsky. I figure with all the football crazies in town, my balcony will be one of the few places where sanity will rein. My balcony is part of my castle and I will defend my right to use it as I see fit. If I choose to show a little skin, well, I can only remember similar scenes the times I’ve visited Madrid, London and Paris suburbs in the summer, one can see folks shirtless, leaning out their windows.
If Ukraine is to be considered a European country and maybe join the European Union someday, then I say we have to be like other Europeans and hang out our balconies with no tops on. Show your skin proudly!
Mike Lynn is an American living in Kyiv. He can be reached at [email protected].
