Recently, I was thinking about our contemporary world and the popular notion that romance is dead. I never analyzed why it is dead. But then I started noticing little things. I observed my friends and their behavior and learned the true reasons why online pornography, as a substitute for love, is becoming more popular. So let’s check my list of developments that have increased isolation and decreased flesh-and-blood romance:
Starbucks coffee-to-go
Imagine the beginning of a romantic comedy. A young woman enters a cafe, orders her latte and a handsome waiter suddenly asks her: “I’m sorry, can I ask your name, please?” She blushes at the flattering attention. “Alina,” she says. Well, maybe in a previous life, it could have been the beginning of a beautiful friendship. But now there is no romantic comedy. Now, all she gets is Starbucks in a paper cup to go.
Low-cost airlines
Here is another scenario. They met in a museum or club or at the Empire State Building in New York or during a pub crawl. She is from Spain, he is from Germany. They spend a romantic and incredibly passionate night together, like in the 1995 movie “Before Sunrise.”
If you haven’t seen the movie and you are a hopeless romantic, run immediately to the next DVD rental store or, if you dare to break the law, download from piratebay.com. It’s about religion, politics, relationships, drinking wine and doing all kinds of other things that I am not supposed to describe in a modest newspaper … So, where was I? Oh, right. The next day, she returns back to sunny Malaga and he back to hip Berlin. She spends nights crying into her pillow and imagining how he would appear on her doorstep.
So, imagine the year 1994. He knocks on her door in the middle of the night. He spent 500 Deutsch Marks on the Lufthansa ticket to Barcelona and then another 100 pesetas on the bus from Barcelona to Malaga. In order to get all this money, he (as a poor student in my story) either robbed a bank or worked three jobs for the past two months. One wouldn’t do it for another one night stand, would he? Verdict: He is in love.
But in the year 2010, he knocks on her door in the middle of the night because he got a really good deal on ryanair.com – a Berlin-Malaga round-trip ticket for 20 euros. Verdict: What do you think it is? I’m not sure either, since that’s what my best friend just did to a poor little Spanish girl, who thought he came to her doorstep because he was in love. It turns out he just needed a couch to sleep on.
A couple kisses in Lviv on Valentine’s Day. (UNIAN)
Before Facebook, there was a place for sleepless nights and nostalgia. There were memories of a person with whom you once were in love and whom you will never see again. Now, you’re just going on the page of the guy you hooked up with in the club or museum or the Empire State Building or the pub crawl and all your hopes are gone. No, he is not thinking of you. No, he is not as heartbroken as you had hoped. No, he does not think of the night you spent together. Instead, he is flirting with other girls on his facebook wall and posts pictures of getting a lap dance at his own bachelor party. Epic failure.
Dating websites
There is something romantic about meeting a girl or a boy at a bar or a friend’s place and discovering their personality, likes and dislikes, favorite food and drinks step by step. There is something nice in the feeling of uncertainty about his or her intentions towards you. “Does she see me as a friend?” or “Does he want to date me?”
Dating websites make it all trivial and open. You register, you check the girl whose picture you like the most, you check her profile, you chat with her, you invite her to a real date – and here it is, the “relationship” is over! Before, people spent months and years looking for a perfect one.
And now it’s all on the table – her music tastes, her goal (friendship, pen pals, long-term relationship, marriage or casual encounters), even her sexual preferences. One of my friends was looking for a perfect one for the past two years. He is registered on one of those websites. Well, when earlier the phrase “I would like to know you better” meant “what is your favorite time of the year?” now it means: “So, should we finish this meal or get straight to sex?”
I Google almost everyone I meet. Sometimes I get a very unpleasant surprise. Once I tried to Google myself – I would never date me if I were someone else. Definitely a romance killer.
Liberal values/democracy
Now people are allowed to do almost everything, so how can one find the forbidden apple which is the sweetest to bite? Black and white, rich and poor? Basically, it’s not even fun anymore. If you want romance, move to Iran. That’s where people literally die for the forbidden love, which is romantic, as I was informed.
Feminism/gender equality
Nothing kills romance as much as a smart, good-looking and independent woman. She knows it all.
So you can’t impress her with your high school geographical knowledge (“Did you know that only 10 percent of Iceland’s territory is covered by ice? And she is like: “Last time I was in Reykjavik for that congress it was 11 percent, but I guess my hotness melted the 1 percent you didn’t mention.” (And she is also funny! What a disaster!) or she is paying for your dinner with her Visa Platinum card as you hold a 100 euro bill. “Keep the change for the homeless,” she says. “It’s on me. And for the record – this place is so cheesy (your favorite Italian!). Next time I’m booking at the new Ramsay’s restaurant.”
Sexual revolution
Everybody knows that men generally don’t want to get married. They freak out just hearing the word “marriage” and only get into these suicidal arrangements under very tough circumstances (such as threat to life from her father, or personal money problems, or when her father is rich, or a combination).
Everybody also knows that marriage and, especially, the wedding is the most precious dream of many women. A wedding is the “most romantic” thing ever. Flowers, white dress, thousands of dollars spent for an occasion – all of which will probably be repeated in the future because – see preceding paragraph – of men and marriage.
There used to be another trick to get men into a marriage: sex. Now, however, you can sleep with whoever you fancy and your virginity only matters during the few moments while you’re losing it (ouch!). Before that, if a man wanted to sleep with a girl – unless she was some underclass servant or a courtesan (read: smart prostitute) – he had to marry her. Watch the 2009 movie “Bright Star” about British poet John Keats. He not only died young, but he also died without having sex with his darling Fanny Brawne, even though that’s the only thing viewers were expecting for the whole two hours of the movie. But since the whole thing happened a bit earlier than the 1960s and they weren’t married…
Now, women pretend that they like sex as much as men do. After months and years of open relationships and one-night stands, they don’t get their deserved marriage proposals, thus most of them never have the most romantic day of their lives.
Well, that’s basically it. Of course I could have broadened my list by adding such things as mobile phones (imagine if Romeo and Julia had those), emails, Skype and all other things.
All are supposed to make our lives easier but, in fact, they are just ruining romance, which can now only be seen on TV or read in some cheesy female novel.
As for me, I was never a romantic – probably because I am a true child of my generation.
Alina Rudya is a former Kyiv Post staff writer studying in Berlin, Germany.
