What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Cliche I know. This is a saying we’ve all heard at some point in our lives, whether it’s our friends giving us advice, our parents motivating us, or while simply jamming out to the lyrics of a rather iconic Kelly Clarkson song. But how much truth do these seven words really carry?
As a skeptical teenager I thought to myself, how could we possibly benefit from our worst heartbreaks and our most traumatizing failures. How can moments when we’re down on our knees crying, losing all hope, suddenly turn into a valuable lesson that makes us “stronger.” Utterly perplexed by this idea, I decided to examine the phrase & its impact on me once again. This time, I remembered some of the hardships I endured and tried to think of what I learned from them or how it helped me grow. At first glance, it seemed like they had done absolutely nothing but dissipate my energy and lead me into bouts of sorrow and teary-eyed evenings that seemed to last forever.
With deeper analysis, however, I realized there were, in fact, some small, but crucial, lessons my setbacks had taught me. It wasn’t exactly the aha moment I had imagined, the dawn of a newfound power or some deeper wisdom that led me to all the answers to my problems. If only it were that easy. However, with every mistake I made, I slowly built my resilience, learned how to respond maturely, and found ways to grow.
I now understand that one could look at mistakes as undesirable happenings and they will forever remain haunting memories. Alternatively, with a growth mindset, one can learn valuable lessons, derive strength to deal with uncertainty & challenges and use mistakes as steppingstones for success.
In fact, for this saying to actually work for us, it’s critical that we respond to our failures in a healthy way. “Post-traumatic growth” psychologists call it. This is the idea is that we embrace the negative events that have occurred in our lives instead of allowing them to beat us down.
Controlling the way we respond to problems instead of letting the problem or situation control us. Taking back our power, becoming unafraid, instead of feeling helpless.
For example, after a breakup, the emotions one feels are, at times, very negative and self-consuming. It can feel like you’ll never find another partner again and you’ll die alone with your five cats.
With introspection, however, one can begin to question why things didn’t work out?
Why did the relationship end?
Was there any way it could’ve been fixed?
By asking these questions one can gather insights and identify troublesome patterns of behavior that lead to the break-up. Hopefully, this learning will help improve other relationships and prevent you from making the same mistake again. Or maybe, one can discover the joys of being independent, having no ties that bind you down and the freedom and joys of doing your own thing. Only if one learns to let go and move on, one stands in a place of multiple possibilities. Instead of playing the victim, one can choose
and create a life with renewed purpose.
And, trust me, it can be a great feeling.
It is not uncommon that people, just like the skeptic I was, do not identify with the phrase and are in constant denial; “This can’t be true”. “Just let me be sad”, “I have found my peace and accepted life for what it is.” And to a certain extent, they have a point.
My experience tells me that it’s important to fully feel the emotions we have and understand why we’re feeling the way we are. We are only human and it’s normal to have a breakdown. The only way to move on is to process all our emotions and feel them completely. However, once we are through this phase, we need to “get off the dance floor and go to the balcony,” a metaphor from the business world* that describes the mental activity of stepping back from the action and asking, “What’s really going on here?”
This is the path to healing and growth, but it is a difficult one. You must objectively interpret what happened. In other words, become the observer of your own actions and remain objective at the same time. This is easier said than done. One will still tend to justify his/her habits and the old ways of thinking. Resisting this temptation and revisiting the “balcony and dance floor” several times will put things in the right perspective.
In summary, feeling upset and dejected from not achieving your goals or not having life go as planned is perfectly normal. It only shows you’re a normal human being. However, it’s incredibly important to not stay in that state of mind for longer than necessary. Instead of using self-pity and feeling sorry for yourself, it is more beneficial to learn from failures, put things in perspective and persevere on the journey of life.
Although it is sometimes hard to accept and find truth in this rather cliche phrase, maybe the advice our friends gave us was right. Maybe our parents were correct in motivating us. And maybe Kelly Clarkson was really onto something when she sang her heart out because what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
Srishti Gummaraju is an international student pursuing high school studies in Kyiv. She is an avid reader, linguist, active student community member, interested in exploring new cultures, and hopes to pursue higher studies in communications and international relations.
