I remember when I was little, I heard a conversation between my father and his friend. They discussed birth and death. We often talked in the family about such things, including the value of life. My father told his friend that, in his opinion, it would be better to die than not want to continue living. “It’s scary to say such things”, my mother exclaimed.
I was six years old at the time and I didn’t really understand what they were saying. Seven years later, I read a book by Ukrainian writer Viktor Teren. The story was about a boy who almost died and no longer felt like we was alive. I couldn’t understand how that was possible.
The realisation only dawned on me when I reached 22. A week ago, the Russian military withdrew from the territory of Kyiv Region, thus allowing us Ukrainians to re-enter there.
The horrific sights before us embodied the total cruelty brutality and misery inflicted by the Russian Federation.
If I had ever been told that I would see such things, especially in Ukraine, I would not have believed it. Never. No photos can convey the horrors we saw.
I was walking down Yablunska Street in the center of Bucha. Every few meters there were bodies. All had gunshot wounds. I wanted to get out of there; to run away and never come back. But I kept going. I had to show the world how low the Russians had stooped – how they had killed unarmed people and raped young children before killing their parents in front of them.
All of this just doesn’t fit in my head. And it never will.
Only now, as an adult, I realize what I heard as a child – to be alive yet somehow to lose the feeling of life from the inside. This is exactly what thousands of Ukrainians who have experienced this horror feel today. They do not want to communicate with anyone. They can’t. There is emptiness in their eyes.
One woman I met at a street crossroads in Bucha was swollen with tears. When I tried to talk to her, she just hugged me and kept crying. I cannot say in a single word how painful this cry was. These people have seen so much, but they will not talk about it. Because it’s scary to say it out loud.
Many Ukrainians have lost their homes. Their lives are ruined. The life of the town and the whole country.
While in Bucha, I met two people who had lost their minds. I don’t know how anyone could stay sane after that. I wouldn’t know how to live after such events.
Another scene that shocked me was of the mass grave in Bucha. I watched the police remove some of the bodies and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Many of the dozens of people buried there had been shot. Sometimes the Russians burned bodies to destroy evidence of their cruelty.
The death count is still unconfirmed, with the figure varying from 300 to 400 people. More are still feared lost under rubble. Many locals have buried family members right in their yards.
Only yesterday another mass grave was found in Kyiv Region. Some people were simply shot as they walked or ran from scenes of war. The Russian military was not stopped by “kids” stickers on cars or tiny legs running down the road.
I have seen thousands of devastated people this week, which has been frightening in itself. Hundreds of destroyed houses. The bombed Ukrainian Antonov Mriya (meaning ‘dream’) cargo plane was the world’s largest aircraft. And I want to add that the Russians have destroyed one “dream”, but millions of others, in the hearts of Ukrainians, will never be destroyed. And we will rebuild this one.
They left behind mined fields in Kyiv Region. I found a mine near the road and we immediately informed the authorities about its location. And in the occupied territories there are many unexploded ordnances, so people are still forbidden to walk far from home. It is dangerous and will remain so.
I am amazed at how rotten and poor the Russian invaders showed themselves to be. They looted everything they could. Residents of those villages that had been occupied said that when the Russians left they loaded Ukrainian cars, TVs, refrigerators, washing machines, mixers, toasters and even toilets on KAMAZ trucks. Some stole from houses belonging to those who had already left, while others went to houses where people were hiding. They either took everything out of the house and left the owners alive, or shot them immediately, depending on whether or not their commander gave permission to kill.
And you know, I’m describing everything here in the past tense, because it seems to me that everything is slowly coming to an end. However, I understand that where occupation continues – in the east and the south of Ukraine – such atrocities continue to take place. And we must stop them as soon as possible. I pray about this every day before bed. And then I turn on the night light because I’m now afraid to sleep in the dark. Then I close my eyes and think that the Russian nation has no right to exist as it does now.
For me, there are no ‘good’ and ‘bad’ Russians. They have all become the same. After hundreds, and possibly thousands, of those killed in Kyiv Region alone, I see no difference. If they are silent, they are all bad. And I understand that victory will be Ukraine’s, because all the Russian army can do is kill those who have no weapons; those who simply live a peaceful life.
I love my country, my military and my people to infinity. And I know that soon all this hell will end. I’ll close my eyes and try to fall asleep.
