When Leonardo Da Vinci moved to France at the end of his life, he took his greatest painting Mona Lisa with him.
What he ought to have seized from Italians to pay them back for refusing patronage should have been proper, foamy cappuccinos. No matter how fancy and modern the coffee machines look in their golden, irresistible bakeries, the French simply don’t know what to do with them.
They lose their sung-about elegance and pour tones of cream on top of cappuccinos and dilute espressos with skim milk in an attempt to produce a latte.
After having one of those drinks on a sun-kissed wicker terrace – where you are annoyingly not allowed to move chairs or tables to hide from the heat – you may start thinking that France is not everything you imagined it to be.
Blame it on Leonardo, and when in France, act like the French do. Yes, there are many stereotypes about this great former empire, which in the 19th century controlled nearly the tenth of Earth’s land area.
And while some make for a quirky water-cooler discussion after a lovely French holiday, others are simply not true. So, to feel like a relative, rather than a stranger in this glorious country of soothing lavender bushes and heady vineyards, here’s a quick practical guide on eating, driving and clothing.
So before you settle with a noisette (an espresso with a touch of milk) in a history-strewn stone village somewhere in the countryside, you’ve got to figure out the driving. Not always does a leasing agent in a car rental warn you that your car runs on gazole, which – oh so treacherously – stands for diesel in French, not gasoline as the name seems to suggest.
In France, many cars use gazole, and if you failed to learn that, welcome to the club of carburator-neutrolisers. With a tank full of the wrong fuel, it’s best to call a mechanic before starting the engine, but if you realize your mistake when your car’s already coughing, prepare for a tow truck.
The mechanic might tell you that you’ve ruined the whole vehicle but don’t despair. In rentals, feeding your car with the wrong petrol is a regular offence, and in most cases will result in a 500-euro fine.
Not always does a leasing agent in a car rental warn you that your car runs on gazole, which – oh so treacherously – stands for diesel in French, not gasoline as the name seems to suggest.
Parking in France is a joy and a pretty laissez-faire experience. People leave trains of vehicles under tow-away signs in smaller towns and anywhere with no restrictive signage in cities.
You may run into a heap of cars on a side street in Monet’s Gardens in Giverny or on the emergency lane near Biarritz.
With small parking fees (from 40 pence per hour), it seems people would behave their vehicles, but there’s simply not enough space for everyone. Paris is a hilarious parking playground in its own league: Cars simply bump the vehicles in front or behind to make room for themselves.
Police do leave tickets for offenders, but nothing will bite your wallet stronger than peage or tall points on major roads. To drive from Paris to Bordeaux, for example, you have to part with around 50 euro.
And if it is Bordeaux wineries marked with a big red flag on your map, make sure you don’t stay too deep into the countryside. Numerous chateaus in the region seem to live off nothing else but wine and you may end up with a dreadful supermarket lunch between the tastings.
If you are nesting down in a wicker chair somewhere in Provence or Normandie where there are a great many places to eat, make sure you observe lunch (12 – 2 p.m.) and dinner (7 – 10 p.m.) hours to get over the hunger.
If you start your dejeuner (lunch) with a coffee to reenergize after a long trip, you may get a raised eyebrow because the French take their espressos after a meal to help digestion. The same rule applies to cheeses: They order a plateful of camembert, brie and tomme for dessert because this heavenly local produce is considered too heavy for a starter.
Parking in France is a joy and a pretty laissez-faire experience. People leave trains of vehicles under tow-away signs in smaller towns and anywhere with no restrictive signage in cities.
Ordering can sometimes be a painful experience outside Paris, because most of the times there’s not a word of English on the black food boards.
And if you attempt to exercise your school French, be sure that your poor grammar will be corrected straight away. Some find it a rewarding experience but others may feel back at school as if rebuked by a teacher.
In any case, any attempt to converse in French is more welcome than a customary “do you speak English?” In bigger cities, they can get you some water without having you suffer over saying “de l’eau, s’il vous plait” but it almost feels like they’d rather not to.
Another unpleasant experience occurs when you decide to move a chair away from the sun or occupy a table for four when you are a company of two – no matter how empty the restaurant is. “Ca ne se fait pas,” mumbles a French waiter meaning that they don’t do it this way.
Other than that, they are lovely people who always smile when you check into your hotel and help you with maps and sightseeing attractions. They don’t try to impress each other by wearing posh brand names and prefer comfortable linen and straw hats defying the world’s notion of being the world’s trendiest nation.
It seems that for the French the highest fashion is being proud and protective of their history and culture, which means that it’s up for the tourists to adapt so they can enjoy the luminous, whitewashed streets, luxurious castles and rich wines in the most authentic fashion. In this sense, the French flamboyance and arrogance stand little criticism, if any.
Kyiv Post lifestyle editor Yuliya Popova can be reached at [email protected].
